I am Breaking the Habit
by any-loca
Summary: Because sometimes some people just are not use to still live...rated R for later chapters...Warning...quite angsty! Enjoy!
1. LIfe at the Durselys

I am Breaking the Habit  
  
Hi dear readers! So this is my second attempt at fanfiction. My first try proved to be a great experience and so I decided to do another one. Just so you do not ask, no, my other fiction has not been posted here because it was an NC-17 one pairing Sirius and Severus. I hope you will enjoy reading this new story and sorry for any grammar or other errors, even though I have been talking English for over 10 years, this language is not my first language.  
  
Harry Potter and others are not mine they are the property of JK Rowling  
  
Rated R for later chapters, language and violence.  
  
Please read and review!  
  
Part 1: Life at he Dursley's  
  
I used to pretend I was ok. No. I still pretend that I am ok. Sometimes, you know, things hurt so bad that the only thing left to do is smile. I smile a awful lot. When I get up, I put up a mask of being alright, of pretending. I do not think I have always been like that. Just since...the accident. Just since I...I became a murderer.  
  
I killed him. I wanted to save him but, things do not always end up as planned. That specific time really really did not go as planned. It is all my fault. Yes, all my fault. I am the one to blame. Guilty. GUILTY.  
  
I wish I was someone else. I wish I was Ron. Oh how I can envy him sometimes. He has everything. He does not have money, he does not have fame but, he is the richest. He has a family, and he has someone that loves him. He has what I do not have, what I can not have. I wonder how much more jealous I can be of my own best friend. I remember last year, when he became a prefect and I did not, how furious I was. Disappointed too. Jealous. I'm still feeling like that now. I still do not know why not me. Why did not I became prefect? Thinking about it makes me go red with fury. Wow, I am so lame sometimes. Jealous of such a good friend. The best one can ever have. Caring, fun, a little slow but, hey, nobody's perfect!  
  
I certainly am not. I do not know if I even have a quality. I am not that good in school, I get in trouble every five seconds. My friends say they like it. The way we live many adventures and the danger and everything. I am not sure if I do. I used to like it a lot. But now...I see why people wanted me to be prudent, to stay out of danger, not to do things that could harm myself or others. I know now. Death is near us. Death is not something you can joke about. It is real. Even more real than life itself.  
  
Toc toc toc!  
  
"Hey boy, go to sleep!" said the enraged voice of Uncle Vernon.  
  
Yeah, I have to get some sleep. Empty your mind...Tomorrow is another day you will have to deal with.  
  
Dring dring dring!!!  
  
The alarm clock of Harry Potter rang. It was 7 am, time to get up and prepared his poor excuse of a family breakfast. He did not complain though. He used to do it before but, the boy had seem to understand that it would lead him nowhere near comfort so he simply did not speak about it. The Dursleys were very happy about it, the freak did his job, and they did not have to do anything about it. Though, his uncle always found some good reason to hit him a little. A little, meaning some ribs broken, or when the boy was lucky, only a wrist.  
  
Harry got up and went to the bathroom. He washed himself and dressed quickly, he only had half an hour to prepare everything and today had to be perfect. It was the birthday of Dudley, his cousin. Dudley like to use him as a punching bag so Harry made sure nothing would provoke the boy to do so. Dudley was not a very small boy, and even if it was more fat than muscle, his fists did an awful job of Harry's face./If I could only use a little bit of magic...I would get pass these beatings./  
  
Preparing the breakfast quietly, Harry heard a sound coming from outside. It sounded like it was an owl. Surely it was not Ron or Hermione at this hour of the day. Maybe...  
  
"Blasted animal! Stupid bird! Coming at this hour of the day!" The voice of his aunt Petunia rang through the house waking everyone up.  
  
The woman got downstairs in two seconds, not letting Harry get prepared to what was coming.  
  
"You, fffreak, know what this is. Hum?!" said the enraged woman. "Yes..." "Sorry I did not hear you. What is this, you know it boy! YOU KNOW IT!" "Yes. Yes, I do. It is a letter from the wizarding world." "And what, tell me, is this envelope saying!" "I...I do not know. It is not from any of my friends...I...I..." "Shut up boy! Your friends...what kind of fool would hang out with you of all people." Footsteps could be heard in the corridor. Heavy footsteps. "What is the matter here Petunia?" "The boy has received a letter Vernon. From the...you know...the freak world, where other abnormal persons such as him live." "WHAT?!! What did we tell you about letters boy! WHAT DID WE TELL YOU!!??" "Not...not..." Harry's voice was trembling with fear. boy..."his uncle pressed on. "Not to receive any letters from anyone." Harry managed to finished. "Now, you know you will have to be punished for this. After breakfast, we will see for "  
  
A smile spread over Vernon's mouth...which was not a good sign for Harry. The man was surely very furious. Harry had promised that no letters would come from the wizarding world this summer. He had kept in touch with his friend by using the computer. Hermione, being a muggle born, did not have many problems operating the computer and the email service. Ron though had experience some...very nasty things with the machine. So much that he now let only Hermione touch it. Ron had even called the thing the second dark lord. He assured that only dark magic could operate something as evil as a computer.  
  
The breakfast passed in happiness for the Dursleys and apprehension for Harry. To be honest, the boy was completely afraid. He feared so much what was to come that he would have done anything to make the breakfast last long a million years. He would even have worn a dress and sang Baby one more time.  
  
The end eventually came and Harry had to clean the table. He stood up and took all the dishes and put them in the sink. He then washed the table with a washclothe and waited for his uncle to say what he had to say and do what he had to do. He wished really hard that Vernon had forgotten but that was not likely to be. His uncle never forgot anything when it came to beating Harry. And if he did so, Dudley or Petunia were there to remind him.  
  
/I wish I was not here. I wish I was someone else. Far. I want to be far from here but, no, not me, I have to suffer. Yes, because I am guilty. It is my fault. MY FAULT! I deserve what happens to me. I am nothing. I am a mere puppet in some bad play. I know, that is why I am here; to serve men./  
  
Darkness came into the mind of Harry while waiting. He often thought like this. He did not know why but, it comforted him in a bizarre way. It told him why he was there, why he lived. He thought that to serve people around him was his destiny and that he would better be good at it. Since Albus Dumbledore had told him about the prophecy, Harry had change. Change towards school. He now put effort in his work more than Hermione did, which, of course, meant a hell of a lot of work. This is why, during the summer, Harry had put a lot of effort in his Occlumency. He worked with what Professor Snape had shown him the previous year but, also, with a book Hermione had give him. Wonderful gift it had been since the book told almost everything about learning Occlumency. He did not know if he was very good at it but, the nightmares had almost disappeared from his mind. In a certain way, he was proud of himself. He never would tell himself that. No, he was not there to tell himself nice things, he was there to work, kill, and die.  
  
Vernon finally stood up and talked to Harry.  
  
"Now boy, since it is the birthday of Dudley, we will kindly let him choose what your punishment will be. And do not say no to anything my son will say. You know he is better than you will ever be." "Yes sir." "So, my dear Dudley, what does the boy deserve for his action of today?" "He deserves some good beating, and to be confined to his room...without food."  
  
Harry stayed up. He did not flinched at the words. He did not move either. He did not think. In fact, he did not seem to care now. This made Dudley very very angry. He had wanted the boy to plead him not to do what he had just told but, the boy did not react at all.  
  
"HEY! Do something, beg me not to do it! BEG ME!!"  
  
Harry got on his knees and begged Dudley. The fat boy was pleased. He laughed at how Harry was stupid and helpless. Harry, on his side, did not care. He was feeling completely numb. It had never happened before. Harry smiled. He was happy because it did not affect him anymore. He did not care anymore.  
  
Dudley saw Harry smile and launched himself at him, hitting the other boy's head and ribcage. He was in fury. The beating lasted 20 minutes. Harry had not moved from his spot. He had not even tried to hit his cousin. He had not tried to protect himself either. Harry was lost in his numbness.  
  
Vernon then took the boy by the hairs and forced him to stand up. Harry did so, not without pain. He was then forced to go up the stairs and in his room. There, alone, bleeding, hurting, the boy's numbness left him. He fainted, exhausted. 


	2. Letters and Leaving

Disclaimers are on part 1. Thanks! Read and review!  
  
2. Letters and leaving  
  
2 weeks later...  
  
Harry had still some bruises from the beating he had received from Dudley. A rather large cut was on his back. Since the Durselys did not want him to use any kind of medication, the cut was of a weird yellow-green colour. It was so infected that Harry had pain when he made a movement or when it was time to go to sleep. He, of course, could not sleep on his back but, nor could he on his stomach. He had had several ribs broken...and not taken care of. How much he wished he could do magic, just to make the physical pain he was in go away. Everything he wished for though, did not seem to ever happen.  
  
He had wished to save him, there, in the department of mysteries. It had not happen. Why? Because it was him and nothing really good ever happens to him, or so he thought. Harry was not in a good mood. He felt so tired because he could not get enough sleep at night. It was not the nightmares, they did not bother him anymore, it was the pain.  
  
Pain. How well he knew this word now. How much he did not want to. He hated it but could not live without it. It was almost a comfort sometimes. Hurting himself showed him that he was still there. The numbness was so present that he had to. He needed to bleed to see he was still alive.  
  
A sound got Harry out of his thoughts. It was pretty late in the night but people were talking rather loud outside. Curious, he went to the window in the living room to see who it could be. What he saw intrigued him even more. Several people were outside taking pictures, smoking what looked like cigarettes and dancing. It was a strange dance, as if it was directed to the moon and the stars. Plus, all the people were dressed in black clothes. Velvet, silk, leather, and PVC seemed to be their favourite clothing along with chains, chokers and bracelets. They also had lots of black make-up on. It was strange. No, beautiful, Harry thought./ So beautiful, so sleek, so mysterious. I have to know. I have to know who they are. I NEED to know./ Pressed against the window, Harry saw them go far away in the streets. He was feeling he knew these kind of people. He had heard about them when he was a kid and went to muggle school. They were called...gothic.  
  
These people were known to like black and everything that goes with looking into yourself and finding who you truly are. Well, in a depressive way. They were known to find just how bad a person or the world can be and still live with that knowing. It is like seeing all the evils of the world, understanding them, and still be yourself, Harry thought.  
  
Feeling very tired suddenly, Harry went to bed. He fell asleep, more calm than he had ever be this summer.  
  
"HARRY!!"  
  
Harry was woken up very abruptly. Another letter from Hogwarts had arrived this morning. One came each day. The Dursleys put them in the fire every day and hit Harry every day for receiving a letter. As if it was his fault. If he could at least answer maybe they would not receive any anymore. The boy had not brought the idea up though, a little afraid his relative would hurt him even more. Today was different. He would tell them. He would tell them that he would answer and that the letters would stop coming each morning. Yes, it was decided, he would.  
  
"Yes! I am coming down!"  
  
Harry got up quickly and went downstairs. His 'family' was waiting for him in the kitchen, encircling the letter that laid on the table.  
  
"So, how do you explain this one? Hum?" "I do not explain it." "WHAT?" "Maybe...maybe if I wrote back they would stop..." "MAYBE!! But maybe is not enough! You have to be sure boy!" his uncle roared back at his unsure answer. "Well...yes, I am sure they will stop." "No you are not...you are never sure. You are...a poor excuse of a human being. You are nothing. Nothing you hear me!"  
  
Harry stared straight. He said nothing, because nothing came to his mind. He did not agree and he did agree. He did not care and he cared. He heard the Dursleys talk among themselves. They seemed to be talking about someone's departure. He was not aware that it was his own until all the members of the family turned to face him.  
  
"You have to go. You go and the letters go with you. Won't they?"  
  
Harry answered that surely they would stop since the wizarding world always seemed to know where he was. His relative winced at the hearing of the word wizarding, but agreed with Harry.  
  
Preparation were made during the day for his leaving. Preparation was a big word. Harry was thrown in his room and told to take all his things and belongings. He only had one big heavy trunk and it was very difficult for him to carry it since he was injured.  
  
Later that night he was on the porch. Outside. Alone. Hurting. The first thing he did was standing up, taking his trunk and going to the street. Once there, he hold out his hand up high and waited.  
  
The Knight bus was not long to arrived. He had taken it once before. It had been a strange experience, but it was the only way he would get where he wanted to go without hurting too much.  
  
"Hi!" "Hi...to the London muggle hospital please" "You are sure about it...St Mungo's is a much more sure place...young boy." "No, the London muggle hospital is fine. Please." "Ok! On to the London muggle hospital then!"  
  
The bus started and hop they were gone. Harry did not remember that, in this bus, all the objets were moving and...well...hurting him even more. He told himself that he should have remembered but when you want to go somewhere, some sacrifices have to be made. Surely.  
  
The ride did not last long. A chance for Harry. He thought he was about to die because his ribs had been hit by a nearby chair and it had made a not so nice cracking sound. The bus finally stopped, just before the entry of the nearest muggle hospital in London. Harry got up, not without pain, took his trunk and got out of the bus.  
  
He had never really been to a muggle hospital. His relative never wanted to spend money for him so...no hospital for him. Anyway, he never really got injured when he was a kid. He never got that much beaten up when he was younger.  
  
He entered and went to the woman who seemed to be in charge of the wounded.  
  
"Humm...hi."  
  
The woman looked at him with big eyes. Harry did not really know what he looked like so he did not understood why she had this look on her face. The boy was in a really bad shape. More bad than bad is. He looked like he had just got out of a war. All colours were on him. From green to purple. He was dirty, stink, was covered with dried blood and had that look in his eyes...so...full of pain.  
  
"Oh my god!!" The woman started screaming. Several people came to Harry. He was first put on something that felt like a bed, he was being undressed, tubes where being put in his arms and nose, everything happened so rapidly that Harry saw it as a blur. After some time, he felt dizzy and fell asleep. 


End file.
